I have decided that this might be the easiest thing for a journal. I suggested this idea to my friend and then later realized that I should do one too. there has been a lot going on in my life as of late, that have been good, bad/stressful, etc. ok really I guess just those few things. but still I don't know what I should start with. lets see.
lets start with friends, this is something that is quite difficult for me. I feel like I've been the cause of lots of stress in my friends life. Then I feel like I am stuck at the dead end with no way to leave. I want things to be good, and back 'normal' whatever that means, I don't know. but still in my mind I feel like friendships should be easy right? not having to worry about what the other thinks, cause that's what friends are for, to be able to be yourself and not have anyone judge you for it. they back you up and you are always there for them. point is, this is not what its been like for me lately with Bethie, I seem to forget things, things I say, things that I should be doing, and then schedule to do something else. Its been something that I don't really like, however, it is what it is, and that is me. This unfortunately gets interpreted as, me not really caring enough, and that I don't want to do anything with her. I think that no matter what I do or say that it will be wrong, cause I will absentmindedly will forget something else which again hurts her feelings. Its been like this for a while, its like a snowball effect in the round-about way. because i feel like all the little things have happened for so long, that when a little thing happens it is no longer a little thing, but a big problem. one that I can't seem to get away from. Needless to say it has been stressful. so much in fact that I keep forgetting other things in my life. problem right? anyway point is. we are going to talk about it again. another thing. I might not have a best friend come Saturday... we shall see. I've been dreading it, and also praying to see if it would just be better for her to move on from our friendship. ie worst case scenario, however i wonder if it is necessary for both of us, so that we can move on and fill that best friend position with a person of the opposite gender... ya know???
I don't know I don't know whom I should be talking to about this. I would talk to my family but I know what they would say. whatever point is I don't like this situation i am in, and it is draining me. oh that's another thing. can I just vent for a little bit? I feel like this situation I am in, I can't express myself about it at all. like If i do, then 1 it will be taken that I am trying to pin it on her and throwing her under the bus. 2. that I'm not thinking about it. 3. I don't seem to care. 4. well there really is no 4 however I just don't think that I can talk about it. if I tell her that something she did hurt my feelings or something she just tells me that its dumb I feel that way and that it wasn't a problem..... ie not the thing I wanna hear. however everything that happens in our friendship is because of something I did. its a very hard and degrading situation. nothing kills your self esteem like your best friend telling you the things your doing wrong, and hearing that your causing a lot of self esteem issues... ouch. oh well
Ok I'm starting a new post so that I can have a happy one. not one of death sadness.
